All across these United States a cultural staple has been slowly disappearing. The typical American mall is dying right in front of our eyes, receding like the syringe-filled tides of the Jersey shore. What were once busy retail meccas are now ghostly hallways decorated with odd murals and signs with hopeful messages like “Coming Soon .. ” or “Pardon our mess. We’re making improvements.” No, you’re not. You’re covering up yet another vacant storefront in the hopes that we’ll forget that we once bought naughty t-shirts and pot-leafed mugs from Spencer Gifts, back when pot was cheaper and a lot less potent and but for some reason could get your thrown in prison for decades. Or what about the cheap knock-off shoes from Payless Shoe Source or the slightly macabre Build-A-Bear Workshop? No, these developers are betting that a glimmer of hope will bring back the mall walkers and usher in a new wave of meaningless boutiques and tchotchke-filled kiosk forests. But we see through all that. We remember what a thriving mall looks like, and we’ll not forget it anytime soon. We won’t forget the mushy broccoli-adjacent substance at Sbarro’s Pizza any more than the viscous, icing slathered on a Cinnabon. Mmmmm … hyperglycemia.

So despite the developers' attempts, it appears the heady days of food courts and personal engraving shops are behind us, dear reader. But fear not, for I have a solution, a sure-fire way to revive the hollow corridors and barren shop spaces that constitute our poor mall. Four words: Zombie Go-Kart Experience™.

Now I know your initial reaction might be skeptical but hear me out. There are a number of solid reasons why zooming around the sad detritus of late-stage capitalism while being chased by the living dead might be the most logical idea you’ve yet heard for reviving our flat-lined shopping center.

First, think of the job creation. Nothing screams America like putting people in need to work. In this case the people in need would be actors, a demographic that can always use another revenue stream. I believe they call them “gigs.” And the Hudson Valley is riddled with professional performers who desperately don’t want to drive southward to an unnamed metropolis for the purpose of attending yet another cattle call to cast Spoon #3 in “Beauty and the Beast.” These folks wanna work up here, near the home they bought after they landed that pilot that never got picked up. And mortgage angst is the perfect well to draw upon when portraying a decaying corpse hell-bent on masticating the brains of go-kart drivers.

But actors aren’t the only industry this could prove useful for. Zombies are kind of the bread and butter of the make-up community, for example. Zombies are to make-up and special effects artists what chicken wings are to Buffalo Wings N Things. Yeah, they have things but 95 percent of what they do is wings.

Another set of jobs created would be go-kart mechanics. Obviously, these would be electric go-karts: we’re not a-holes, but even EVs need to be maintained. I haven’t the foggiest how they actually work but surely someone has to grease this or tune that. Those karts aren’t going to fix themselves.

The second reason my idea rises above all others is that there’s already parking. Each and every mall comes with acres of empty lots, most of which already have painted lines to delineate the spaces. Think of the savings. Plus, in the Northern states those lots feature giant mountains of snow left by plows each winter which could be repurposed as … zombie igloos. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Besides I don’t think the world of ice zombies has really been explored all that much. “Game of Thrones” barely scratched the surface.

A third reason why the owners of our mall should be taking me very seriously is that this idea will instantly reverse their battered image. Nobody wants to go to, nor do business in, a mostly empty shopping center. It’s the exact opposite of what you want a mall to be. It’s like a Panda Buffet where all the chafing dishes are empty, except maybe one that’s filled with General Tso’s, but it’s tofu, not chicken. In other words, you only go there when you want the one specific thing, like tofu or whatever GameStop sells, ’cause somehow GameStop is still in every mall everywhere. The point is that the Zombie Go-Kart Experience™ will be able to occupy every available inch of the building turning it from vacant to fully occupied in a matter of days. BAM! It’s no longer dying. The heart monitor will start pinging again. You’re welcome.

As if that weren’t enough there’s another great reason to turn our local retail promenade into an anti-blight of the living dead: Zombies themselves. Who doesn’t love zombies? Have you ever heard anyone speak out against them? Even super crappy zombie things are pretty awesome.

God, there was even a movie in the 80s about German soldiers whose bodies were thrown into a lake after World War II. They came to life and terrorized a small French town. It was called “Zombie Lake” and one reviewer called it “unwatchable.” But guess what? You’re gonna go watch a clip of it on YouTube, aren’t you? Admit it. I’m right, because there’s only one absolute in this universe and it’s that “Zombies Kill.” (Pun intended. Who do you think you’re dealing with here?) Then add Go-Karts. Zombies combined with Go-Karts are the Bitcoin of our day. I don’t really know what Bitcoin is but I understand that many people like them … er … it.

Clearly though, I have proven my thesis. I realize there are other alternatives out there. For example, my son thinks the mall should be a giant climbing gym. But he’s only 12. What does he know? Many of these ideas have the distinct advantage of being profitable but I think we can agree the Zombie Go-Kart Experience™ is so obvious in its ingenuity, so precise in its timeliness, and so prepped for execution that once this article hits the newsstands I would be surprised if I weren’t pinged by every major commercial developer in the world. My only hope is that I won’t be so busy installing kart tracks and fake blood fountains that I won’t find time for these articles. I know how important this column is to our community.