These days one of my favorite activities is hitting the town dump. There’s nothing quite so satisfying as taking a truckload of garbage and sending it away. I don’t know where it goes but they must have an environmentally friendly place to store this stuff, right? RIGHT? According to Google, all our garbage goes to a place called “Not In My Backyard.” I’m sure it’s lovely there.

That makes sense when you consider that most dumps are being called “transfer stations” now. I’m not 100 percent sure but I think that’s because they are community areas dedicated to the transfer of junk from one household to another. It’s more like a scrap exchange, or a swap meet, than a removal service. I say this because most of my trips to the dump end up being net positive in terms of items taking up space in my garage.

Who can blame me? Am I supposed to just ignore that perfectly fine-looking dehumidifier leaning up against those other dehumidifiers? And that wine fridge is just missing a foot. Surely these can all be fixed with some elbow grease and a few hours on YouTube. I’ll just put them over in the corner next to all those sheets of pegboard. The tool organizing project will have to wait for a few months, but that’s a small price to pay for storing cheap wine in a nice dry basement. Mental note: Start purchasing wine.

And how can I pass up all those riding mowers in the metal pile? They’re all the same two brands, so I bet if I took six or seven apart, I could assemble one that works just fine. Maybe more than one. They say you’re only as good as your backup … or your backup’s backup.

What about that giant pile of bikes? All they need is a new chain, some brakes, handlebars that aren’t bent, and maybe new tires. Otherwise, they’re perfectly good. Heck, I could turn these suckers around for a profit on Craigslist. Business idea! With an investment of about four to five weeks of work and $80 in parts, I could probably clear well over $100. Assuming I can get to it that is. But surely even the possibility of profit can justify a few months storage in the garage over by my snowboard, my second snowboard, and that other broken snowboard. I haven’t been on the slopes in years so it’s fine if they’re blocked in for a while.

And don’t get me started on lamps. What can break on a lamp? It’s just two wires connected to a socket. I’ve got like eight of them in the shed. Why are people throwing them out?

Also why is somebody getting rid of all these random pieces of chicken wire? My chickens free-range so I don’t actually use wire fencing but if I just weave together eight or nine of these scraps, I could make one reasonably usable length. All it will take is a few afternoons and a half dozen lacerations on my hands to produce 10-11 feet of semi-functional fencing. That stuff goes for like 75 cents a foot at Tractor Supply.

There are also the hundreds of different things that can be turned into planters, just lying there waiting to be taken to a new home. Metal buckets. Broken wheelbarrows. Bathtubs. Dryers. I don’t even have to store these in the garage. Just plop them in the yard somewhere and fill ’em with dirt. Forget my wife’s complaints. She lacks vision. Surely there’s a landscaping aesthetic that these all fit into. Rubbish chic, perhaps? Sturm und dreck? Objet Trouvé Merdique? There must be an art movement I could join. Maybe I’m starting one as we speak. Get on board now, people. You don’t wanna feel like an idiot when this trashscaping thing ends up on the cover of Dwell.

And I have plenty of room for all this stuff if I just stop using the garage for cars. They only need to be in there, protected from the elements, when it snows … or rains … or it’s sunny. The plow guy and the garbage truck can work around the cars if they’re left in the driveway. Besides, I’m thinking of cancelling my garbage pick-up this year. No back and forth happening. They’re just takers.